if i knew then what i know now

If i knew what i know now i would have prayed to remain in the age of innocence. i used to think that everyone listens to their conscience, and that evil is very far since i don't see the devil, but now i am older i know, that evil lives among us, in people, in humans like me, and it is shocking, i cringe to think that anyone would hurt a fellow man, if i knew then what i know now i would have remained a child.

Human beings have lost their compassion, we now live in a world of selfishness and conceit and it makes my heart weep every time someone acts in such a manner unbecoming of a human being. Mama never said people would be so mean even when you treat them nicely. What she said was "be nice to people" "treat your neighbors well" and i have been trying to do that but when people don't treat me well i feel like bursting into tears.

If i knew then what i know now, it wouldn't have made a difference. Sad but true.

The Colour of Grief

The colour of grief…..for toluwalase ojo.

Though mother said don't grow up so fast but i don't think if i had listened it would have helped me with the pain i feel inside, If pain were to have a color what color would it be , what would a painter or an artist use in a painting to get the exact feeling of pain ,of all kinds of pain. What would the paintbrush do to add effect to the gaping hole the heaviness of heart, th shock the numbness of pain caused by the loss of a loved one?

On Thursday 19^th November 2009, a friend, confidante, brother, sweetheart, angel, jewel of inestimable value left this part of the world. And oh how it hurts, does it hurt because death came suddenly? No! After all we are told to expect it, yes and expect it we did! Only we didn’t think it would hurt this much or perhaps we are selfish in our thinking isn’t it those of us still here who hurt? Surely we hurt because we will miss him. Though we know he’s gone to a better place we hurt because we wonder how someone so vibrant and with us could depart so fast.

We question the speed with which it happened, but we also feel calm and confident in the afterlife knowing we will meet again. But it hurts it will surely get better with time, it has to.

I remember the first day I saw Tolu, jss1Silver CDSS OJO then I didn’t think we would become best of friends not at all. He was just another classmate. Period. How wrong I was to think that he would be just another classmate. I got to jss 3 and developed a huge crush on tolu so huge that each time I saw him my heartbeat became faster. I thought crushes only last a while. Not mine! Tolu became the love of my life, I was always happy to see him, even if we don’t talk, it was enough to just be with him. There was just somrthin about him that pulled me like a magnet throughout our time in CDSS the crush remained, the love grew on my part anyway, tolu was just clueless, he was my first love.

After CDSS I was a constant in his life, always there never missed a birthday, never missed a chance to be with him. It was like I needed him to fill a part of me. On his part at that time I believe tolu acknowledged me as a friend and nothing more I did not bulge I kept loving him, stayed on held on to our friendship I wanted to be the love of his life, it was so important to me, I couldn’t put him out even when he didn’t respond the way I wanted, my feet would have found their way to tolu’s house if my eyes were closed. We became so very close I never talked much but with tolu I was downright comfortable and content to just listen. In my 200/300 level tolu and I dated, that ‘s all it was though dating. He was my best friend and I was his girlfriend but it was nothing different from what  we had before, it was me I wanted a definition to it, I wanted tolu to be my own special person it lasted about a year, then the real friendship started, the friendship that makes it so hard for me now to stop thinking about him. We shared a lot in common as per interest, animals we both loved, writing we both cherished poems and music we adored, we could talk for hours and the day would not be enough for us to catch up on things especially when I had been away at school. Tolu was just an incredible person I cant say one bad word about him, he always hinted that he had  a very short time here so he filled up his days with activities he always had a project or the other always he toiled in the service of God and man, oh how I loved him, very special and dear to my heart was he, unique I his being a lovely spirit that truly  cared to know about God. I never gave it so much thought that he would pass on so soon. I love him so much that my heart is heavy at his passing, because I’ll miss him so, his words, his jokes, his smile, his questions, his love his tireless spirit, his optimism his courage, his relentless strength.

I feel like I’d known him forever, he was my forever friend my constant friend my reliable adviser and I was a mystery to him, that lady who refused to stop being his friend, a pillar of strength always there and we loved each other, a pure kind of love a very unique kind of love so obvious yet not understood I love him for all he is all he was and all he wanted to be. But most of all I love him for knowing that life is a serious business and taking it seriously. I love him for loving me and for giving me the special gift of his friendship.

I want for you my friend a joyous ascent into luminuous heights I will never forget you, I don’t mourn you, no, the tears you see are just an indication that I loved you and cherished what we had. Are you really gone from these parts? I still hear your voice soft and teasing you always teased me remember? You and I connected in a way even we could not explain, we had a silent understanding of each other’s minds we knew when the other had a sad day or a happy one. We knew to call when the need arose just from a thought we used to laugh about that remember? Remember how you would call and say you were taking a vacation when in fact you were in the hospital taking drips? It used to amaze me the way you lived and your life was just an example of a well lived existence on earth. You taught me so many things I admired you very much and I guess I’ll always carry a part of you with me forever I’ll remember you and look for you when I come that way, ascend dear one into the region of light. I love you.

So you see I guess no painter can tell me the colour of pain, of grief,  no one can understand it except one who feels the pain also. I wont cry anymore cause I know it doesn’t help me or even you. I wouldn’t want to delay your ascent with my tears and longing for you to be here. Time indeed heals all kinds of pain it becomes duller and duller and finally becomes an incident an event years from now I’ll be able to say “do you remember tolu, that bright and selfless young man? And I’ll smile and tuck away memories of times shared together, perhaps to speak of it only to my children who will no doubt hear about you and how much I loved you. That smile that grin, that chuckle, your humour, evry part of you I remember with tears and mixed feelings.

I wont cry anymore, adieu my love tonight I sight “white love” and tears once again roll down my cheeks we had our own special words. The thoughts you shared I’ll always cherish .

Adieu, toluwalase ojo, my forever friend, adieu until the day I’ll see you again and ask “how’s the weather today?!                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   &nbq`;'nb3t? nbsp; 'nbsp;                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      

crouching males...leaping wolfs

once again i find myself musing, what shall it be this time? this line of conversation is directed at men. They who believe that the world should worship them, yes those species who are completely clueless as to the workings of the female. Sigh, i sincerely thought that i was having a completely harmless conversation with a certain male whom i bumped into last saturday in a friend's house.
i had gone to visit my my late friend's grandmother and while there a certain young man came in, i was able to gather that he was staying in the house with the family for a while just until he gets himself a job. so there i was gisting with mama and trying to be polite to this man when he said he would walk me when i was leaving, i didnt suspect anything. however as we stepped out into the blustery sunny evening he began to  lament about how bored he was...my ears perked up a bit but i played along, he was still crouching playing around the hedges while i had already guessed that he was attracted to me, but nothing prepared me for his leap! from no where he just said he was looking for a girlfriend and before you could say jack robinson, he had asked for me to be his girl! the nerve!!!
the least he could have done was to respect the fact taht he barely knew me, he had met me in a family friend's house and he knew nothig about my relationship to them. i politely told him i could not be his girl and that he should concentrate on getting a job. beleive me, nothing mama told me would have prepared me for the manner in which the guy laepaed at me! mama should have said...

my long week of unawareness

I had a reality flash two weeks ago when i started to feel a general feeling of malaise at the office and had to lie down for a while as the females (and males) doted on me and tried to make me feel comfortable. i suddenly realised that i didnt really know how to take care of my self! i could take absolute good care of practically anyone but when it comes to me, i am helpless!

i had to go to the hospital to be admitted and i felt so helpless, i longed for someone to take care of me, i had to stay at home for a whole week and no one was there to take care of me, i was numb, all i wanted to do was hide under the covers, at that time my independence was not a solace it was a burden. i craved for company, and love and care. i wanted mama.
the week was long and dreary, i struggled to cook for myself, but i couldnt remember how to take care of myself, i then decided to learn, to observe again, perhaps in my haste to grow up i had missed that lesson, learning how to take care of me.
so here i am on a therapy,  a personal attempt to learn anew the act of taking care...of me without mama in tow! wish me luck.

juggling female

I find myself at a loss half of the time, sort of like wondering how long before these balls come crashing down. life was so uncomplicated when i was young, mummy wakes me up, dresses me up for school, i think of only school, and food and play. but fast forward to my life now, if i dont get up in time for my morning run, mama is not going to come running to my aid, i am all of a sudden alone not in teh real sense of the world but yes alone, to decide for myself when i want to get up, if i want to get up, where iwant to worsip , how i want to dress and mama isnt goimg to come looking over my shoulder to murmur "dont you think that is too short?".
i feel that i should have slowed down a bit, savoured the moments when mama was on my case, trying so hard to get me to learn, how to cook, how to administer first aid, how to live with people...sigh, is it too late to bask in mummy's ambience?
i dont think i am doing badly on my own, sometimes forgetting that i didnt have dinner, not calling my friends to keep in touch, its like am on a forgetting spree, the only thing i never forget is how to roll out of bed in the morning..but come to think of it, even that is becoming daunting.
this is not a tribute to mma, no this is just a rant by a female who is trying hard to juggle the balls in her life, she wonders if it wouldnt be better to let one ball fall free, maybe that will make this whole grown up phase go a little faster?

WELCOME FOLKS

Hello there, i have been chewing on this thoughts for sometime, i find that when i was a tee weeny girl i never wanted to remain young, now i am grown and am longing for the warmth of the womb(well maybe not that young)! i believe that so many people often feel this way and we all have our ways of managing our lives. thats why i have started this blog to share with you my insecurities my fears my joys my experiences and you in turn get to share, so that in some fashion, we all grow up together. kinda wish i had listened to mama though and savoured the carefreeness of being a child!